Jesus 2011: Matthew 1

Derived from Matthew 1.
Ever try reading the bible before? Do you fall asleep? Get bored?! Well we've got the solution! Your good friends, Haley and Steph, have gladly paraphrased a more interesting version for you! Picture this: Jesus, growin up like you and me! Living on the streets, in the ghetto, living the hard life!
Jesus: 2011.
Jesus had some roots. Ya know, they went like way back. Abraham was his like great-great-great-great-super great-grandpah, and then there was David, then way later, along came Jesus.
Back it up, yo. Jesus's Ma, Mary was totally trippin' for her main man, Joe. They were trippin so hard, they were planning the trip down the isle! Mary was a good girl, holding her v-card securely. But before they made it facebook official, Mary's eggo became prego. That's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet. Joeseph was not a happy camper, and decided to kick her to the curb before anyone found about about her little situation. Before he got that far, God's own Fed-Ex Messenger promptly arrived with a message. He spat out this lovely beat, "Jo-Dawg! Chillax! You gotta marry Mary! That bun in that oven is from the Holy Spirit! She's poppin out a baby and namin him Jesus, meanin' Savior of the Sins! Say it with  me! Jesus! Are you stupid?! Don't ya 'member that prophet said, 'A hottie with the v-card gonna pop out a son who she's gonna call IMMANUEL!' After Mr. Fed-Ex left, he punched up Mary's digits and told her that there's gonna be a weddin'! They got married, but never 'bumped and grinded', 'did the nasty', 'put the hot dog in the bun', 'churned butter', 'did the hanky-panky', 'stuffed the taco', (if ya catch what I'm throwin down) until that bun was done! They named him "Jesus".
Now we're done with chapter one!
--> And that's the truth, yo! Yeeeeaaahhh!
Don't worry ya'll! There's more to come!